If you met the ChowPapa and me, you’d probably think we’re not exactly mainstream. A little bit hippie and a little bit rock-n-roll. And you’d be right. But what you might be surprised to learn is that we heavily-tattooed, organic-eating, electric-guitar-playing, recycling, MMA-loving, composting parents are pretty strict (at least in today’s world). One of the things we’re most strict about? Manners!

 

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes right now. Others are nodding your heads. Fact is, parents are pretty opinionated when it comes to manners. Manners can be a sensitive and, even, polarizing topic at playgroups and playgrounds. But “manners” is such an antiquated word. Talking about “manners” makes me feel old—like when the kid at the deli calls me “ma’m.” So I prefer the term “social skills.” And what better place to start teaching social skills than at mealtime?

 

Social skills? Ooh. Fancy! But before you think I’m super smart or something, I confess that I didn’t make up that up. I read it in a January article in the New York Times. And the way author Dr. Perri Klass talked about manners—I mean, social skills—resonated so much with the way the ChowPapa and I parent, and why we choose to parent that way, that I filed it away in my mommy brain and… promptly forgot about it. Until last Sunday.

 

We were having at dinner at a friend’s house. There were 5 kids ranging in age from 2 years to 7 years. And no one could believe our 3-year-old’s behavior. Our ChowBaby said “please” when he asked for things. Said “no thanks” when he didn’t want something. Asked to be excused when he was finished. And took his plate to the counter when he left the table. 

 

The adults were amazed—as if they were witnessing something magical. They all said they wished their kids were like that. And they all seemed slightly embarrassed that their kids weren’t. “How do you ‘get him’ to act like that?” they asked.

 

How do you teach social skills for kids?

 

I wish it were magic, but it’s not. It’s practice. We consistently remind our ChowBaby what it means to behave well. We postitively reinforce good behaviors. We don’t reward rudeness. We do our very best to model the behaviors we want him to learn. And we give him opportunities to experiment with and practice good behaviors as much as possible. How?

 

Stacie and I always talk about the fact that food is an obvious and accessible springboard for teaching our kids about all sort of things. Things like health and wellness, sustainability, other cultures, and global awareness. It’s also a great way to teach them about social awareness. How to interact with family and friends (eg, around the dinner table). How to conduct themselves in the world at large (eg, at a restaurant). How social skills can get them what they want (eg, “Please pass the rice” is rewarded with rice on their plates faster than “I want rice!”).

 

It’s not always easy to repeat “how do you ask for something?” for the millionth time. But we do it anyway. Because, as parents, we’re responsible for equipping our children with the skills necessary to succeed in life. And good social skills (aka, manners) can carry you far.

 

Aren’t we expecting too much from our kids?

 

Lot’s of parents have said to me, “Oh, your just turning him into a little robot. He’s too little to really understand what manners mean. He’s just repeating what you say.” Well, yes, that’s true. That’s part of how we all learn to exist in society. Through social pressures. Through copying other people’s behaviors. Whether we like to admit it or not, it generally makes life easier when we “conform” to some degree. 

 

Case in point: imagine you are going to a fancy dinner for the first time. There are multiple forks and spoons and knives. You have no idea what to do with them all. So you look around and copy those people who do seem to know. That doesn’t make you an automaton. It makes you someone who’s adaptable. And someone who knows that if you do the “right” thing socially, it paves the way for success. 

 

Isn’t there already enough talk about kids and success these day?

 

Remember, success means different things for different people. For one person, it might mean not standing out in a crowd because they don’t like to be the center of attention. For another, it might mean fitting in just enough that people see your tattoos as a reason to hire you instead of a reason not to (and, yes, that’s a real life example).

 

The fact is, it’s too early to know the measure of my ChowBaby’s success as an adult. For now, his measure is immediate gratification (ie, rice on his plate now). And that’s good. Because this clear-cut opportunity to realize the cause and effect of his social behaviors (ask nice and you’ll get the rice—be rude and you won’t) will lay a foundation for whatever he chooses for himself in the future.

 

Do social skills serve a greater good?

 

I think it’s also important to note that social skills aren’t all about the success of the individual. They’re about the success of our society. They are an acknowledgement that other people have feelings. That our behavior influences others. That it is important to think about more than ourselves. Yes, that’s counterintuitive for a small child who sees himself as the center of the universe. But our job is to teach them that they are not the center of the universe—as much as we parents see them as the center of our universe.

 

When we teach our kids to look someone in the eye and shake their hand, we’re teaching them something more than mere polite behavior. We’re teaching them the importance of acknowledging that other people exist and that they matter. And that by respecting others, we can expect respect in return.

 

How do my child’s social skills make my life as parent easier?

 

You know that Stacie and I are all about making our lives as parents easier (see her hiding veggies post, for example). And when our kids have good social skills, our lives become easier. Both in the short and the long run. Really! Even though it might seem easier to just order for your child at a restaurant or answer for them when a neighbor asks how old they are, we’re not doing our kids (or ourselves) any favors by not teaching them to interact socially.

 

Here’s an example. We knew we wanted to raise a ChowBaby who could eat out. So we took him to restaurants from the get-go. As parents, we had to remember our manners! We ate early so there were fewer crowds to disturb, we cleaned up our kid’s mess (and, yes, that included the floor!) instead of expecting someone else to take care of it, and we took turns giving him breaks from the table whenever he got restless (and before he turned into the “screaming kid”—you know, the one who doesn’t know not to use his outside voice inside!). 

 

I admit, it wasn’t fun at first. Not fun at all. There was no relaxing. No razor-sharp conversation. I barely got to sit for more than a few minutes at a stretch. But soon, it changed. Our persistence paid off.  And now dinner out is something we all look forward to. We’re welcome at every restaurant in the neighborhood so we can eat whatever we crave. Hostesses far and wide whisk our ChowBaby away as soon as we step through the door (”because he’s so polite”)—giving the ChowPapa and I a few minutes to ourselves. And family, friends, and, even, strangers comment that our son’s social skills are proof positive of some parenting magic. I’d correct them—except that would be rude!

 

Here’s a recipe for savory Bacon Cheddar Mini Muffins that can make bringing your little ones to restaurants even easier. Pack a few in your bag so your kids have something to eat as soon as they sit down—that way dinner out won’t be derailed by hunger-induced crankiness. These savory baked goods make perfect handheld snacks, great on-the-go breakfast for busy ChowMamas and ChowPapas, and surprising lunchbox treats. Also, to die for warm!

 

Bacon Cheddar Mini Muffins

(for kids 10+ mos)

 

2 3/4 cups organic white flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

2 1/2 tsp organic baking powder

1/2 tsp organic onion powder

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp organic onion powder

1 1/2 cups grated organic cheddar cheese, grated

4 oz organic bacon, well cooked and crumbled (you may substitute chopped fresh organic spinach if you want avoid meat)

1 1/2 cups organic  buttermilk

1 large organic brown egg

1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted and cooled (but still liquid)

 

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease a mini muffin tin (or regular muffin tin, if you prefer). Make sure it is well greased because the cheese in these muffins can really make them stick!

 

2. In a large bowl, mix the flour, baking soda, baking powder, onion powder, and salt. 

 

3. Add cheese and bacon to the flour mixture and toss to coat. 

 

4. In a medium bowl, buttermilk, egg, and melted butter. Then add to the flour mixture. Stir gently until just combined. (Don’t stir too much or you’ll wind up with chewy muffins!)

 

5. Spoon the batter into the muffin pan. Bake about 15-20 minutes, depending on your oven. Keep a close eye on these since they burn quickly.

 

6. Remove from oven. Let cook in pan for 5 minutes. Then turn onto a rack to finish cooling. (This last part is important. If you fail to follow these directions—like I used to before I knew better!—your muffins bottoms will end up tough.)